


understand that i'm not fun

by fated_addiction



Category: K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: Angst, F/F, Friendship, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-23 05:32:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18147746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: "I've been thinking about forgiveness a lot."Or Jessica tries to be an adult.Or, talking is hard. Well, it's mostly hard.





	understand that i'm not fun

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't mean to write this? But I do enjoy how this turned out.

-

 

"I've been thinking about forgiveness a lot."

Jessica says this to her mother. Here's thing: Barcelona is a business trip. But that isn't much of a glossy tagline on Instagram. It's only the official story.

"Is that weird?" She asks. Means it too. "Or is that a sign of old age? Or that I'm reading too many filler magazines on my flights? Or that I'm thinking too much of settling down?"

Her mother laughs. "Are you going to settle down?"

"Probably not." Jessica stabs her fork into a fruit tart. "I'm just thinking about it. A lot."

"I didn't think you were. Settling down."

Jessica snorts. "Am I that obvious?"

Her mother only smiles. There's an impressive spread in front of them: crystal clear glasses, an assortment of teas in an ivory box, and the scene behind them. Glass doors opening into a beach. A stream of conversations sharpening with laughter. This isn't Seoul, she thinks. And she isn't standing still. Maybe that's it.

"You could call her."

Jessica blinks. "What?" Taeyeon, she hears. Or doesn't. "Sorry," she manages. "I didn't hear you?"

"You could call her." Her mother is being gentle. She hooks her fingers around her coffee and Jessica watches, mystified. "Wasn't her birthday a few days ago?" 

" _Mom_."

"I'm just saying. If this is something that bothers you this much - and still, I might add - you could call her. You've never been this stubborn. At least, that I've seen."

There is an angry flush that writes itself across her face. She's smiling. Not too much. But enough to make the moment painfully awkward. At least, all in her head. You could call her, her mother says again. In her head. And Jessica can only sit and stare, repeating and weighing the phrase in her head. It must mean something, she thinks. It usually means something.

Across the room, a pair of waiters have made their way to stand in front of the glass doors. Maybe they'll open them.

She waits.

 

 

 

For twenty-four hours, she thinks about it.

Mostly, it's like five. But counting it seems redundant and her nerves are already on fire. There's a saying, you know. With the first step, the rest fall into line or something intensely stupid. The reality? She can't just show up and say _hi_ or do something even worse, involving other people and becoming so a matter-of-fact.

So she calls herself. 

"This is weird," Taeyeon greets. The second ring. Which is a surprise, given that her new number has lived on a year old text from Sunny. We were drunk in France, the text doesn't apologize. Instead, there's a number and an attachment and everything else in between. For the record: they've talked a couple times before.

"For who?" Jessica asks. Stares at her ceiling. Somewhere in her bedroom, her suitcase stays closed. Begs to be unpacked. "For you or for me? Or for both of us?"

"It's not a competition."

"Never said it was."

Taeyeon barks a laugh. "Didn't think this would be how we finally talked." It feels like an admission; they both feel confused. "Even though we're not really talking?"

"I sent you a happy birthday text last year," she says. Defends herself.

"Not this year."

Jessica blushes. Rubs her face. Finally, she drops into her bed with a resounding sigh. It feels heavy and tucked into her throat.

"It's not like you're a beacon of communication either." Jessica squints. Tries to think of any awkward texts. Can only think of a few drunk ones that she'd rather not remember. "But I guess I'll take the blame this year for not reaching out. Again."

Taeyeon scoffs. "You know I'm kidding," she mutters. There's nothing endearing to the way she says it. You're out of practice, Jessica tells herself. And they're both sober.

"I don't though."

"Are you home?" Taeyeon changes the subject.

"Are _you_?" And Jessica persists. Maybe to be petty. Then she laughs, startled. "Sorry," she doesn't mean. "I couldn't help myself," she does mean.

"I see that," Taeyeon's voice is dry.

"Can you blame me?"

"No."

"Are we going to graduate to other conversations though?" Jessica blinks. When Taeyeon sighs, she realizes that she's actually serious. "I feel like," Taeyeon says, "every time we talk, we.. we kind of say the same thing. Hi. This is awkward. Maybe we should try being productive and work through these things. Great. Good. And then months of silence."

"Do you not want to talk?"

"No." Jessica listens to a door open and shut. Taeyeon curses under her breath and tries to hide it: "When are you back from Barcelona?"

"Soon," she replies. "I have a couple of things to wrap up here. My mom also wants to go to the museum."

There is only the slightest of hesitations. Jessica can practically see Taeyeon breathe in and out. And then sigh.

"Come and see me then," she says.

 

 

 

Isn't it odd?

Her flight arrives mid-afternoon. Jessica takes a car home. Calls Soojung and then leaves dinner prepared. There's a note - _you work too hard_ because these are the things that you do when you live together and forget how to live sometimes. She also makes appointments; she's hesitating. Then somewhere in between, she decides okay, fine, and walks to the bakery down the street to buy a small cake and a couple of gold candles.

"It must be someone special," the cashier says with a grin. Wide-eyed. Probably fishing for some kind of information.

Jessica laughs and shrugs. She changes the gold candles for a pair of black ones, silver glitter laced into the wax. They're obnoxious, she thinks. Perfectly so. She even yawns too, minutes after. "She's all right," she says.

It's a quiet walk home after that, then a slow burn to the car - somewhere in between, her heart starts to race and it's like _seriously?_ mostly because she's never really thought any of this through. They've all had their moments: we'll come together somehow, it's over, or maybe there will be a day where we can all stand together. A dark, deeper part of herself is always too much of a realist, but she hasn't touched the _were we really close_ corner in ages.

Then she's at Taeyeon's door.

"You're outside," she greets, finding her halfway out the door, fighting with her dogs. Jessica blinks and hates that she thinks of babies. 

Taeyeon's hair is askew. "Yeah. I needed a break."

Jessica feels awkward. She holds the cake at her side. Watches Taeyeon whisper and laugh into one of her dog's fur. Then she looks up at her, slightly grinning. Then shakes her head.

"What?"

Taeyeon shrugs and stands. "You brought me cake?"

"Bought you," she corrects. "Thought about making one... for two seconds."

Taeyeon laughs. "I guess I appreciate that?"

"Whatever."

They enter the house. Taeyeon lets the dogs run in first. Takes the cake and ignores the candles clutched in Jessica's hand. She would too - Jessica. What was she thinking? Happy Birthday? Congratulations? She's panicking a little. Kind of a blistering attack on however she was planning to rationalize this.

"It looks good," Taeyeon comments.

"Wait." Jessica's hands are trembling and she drops the candles onto the countertop as she deals with the cake. "Do you have a lighter?"

"Why?"

"To light the candles, jerk."

"Oh." Taeyeon blinks. She moves to dig through a drawer. Grabs a lighter. Drops a jumble of pens and post-its. "Here," she says, shoving into her hand. "But is this necessary? What are we celebrating?"

You, Jessica doesn't say. All the things I've missed, she doesn't say either. That's kind of redundant.  
"Talking," she says dryly. "You and me. Having a full, awkward conversation."

Taeyeon snorts. "There you go again."

They seem to humor each other. Jessica places the candles onto the cake, into the empty corners to weave them into a pattern - "Not to ruin the sugar roses," she comments in between. Taeyeon drags two stools to the kitchen counter and hits the lights on the way in as the lighter flickers to light in Jessica's hand.

When was the last time they had anything together? She doesn't have an answer. All of that, that _stuff_ is long and gone and buried. It's been awhile since she's just thought of Taeyeon as just _Taeyeon_ and hasn't wandered her mind to the collective group instead. Things have gone unsaid for a really long time.

"Well." The candlelights flicker. "I guess we can celebrate cake. And getting older. And doing okay."

"Doing okay?"

"Mmm." Jessica looks up. Looks over Taeyeon critically. If anything, her expression feels gentle. She tries not to acknowledge it. "Aren't we? Doing okay?"

"Yeah," Taeyeon says. "I guess."

The problem is that she leans forward, onto her palms, and by the candlelight, she's really pretty. And Jessica's brain goes exactly there - she's _really_ , really pretty. The light kind of dances against her face and into her eyes and she's serious, she's in that Taeyeon-kind-of-way that simultaneously scares and pisses her off.

Look I'm trying, Jessica wants to say. There's no umph behind it. Meeting her, talking to her - it never goes the way it should. As if there's a particular way that it should go.

Taeyeon sighs. "It's just that this feels a little weird."

"Yeah, I guess." And maybe Jessica tastes disappointment. Definitely hates herself for it. She turns her head away. "I can go," she offers.

"You don't have to."

"It feels a little like I do."

"Don't be dramatic," Taeyeon sighs. Touches her elbow and Jessica very nearly jumps out of her skin. Her eyes go wide and Taeyeon is leaning closer to her. "Sorry," she even apologizes. "You know I'm not good at talking like this. Words are hard."

"Sure," she mutters.

It's weird, but they sit there. Sit there like they're seventeen and this is a secret, a big kind of secret. Like they used to do when they were younger. A big part of this dangerous - part nostalgia, part sadness. Mostly because none of them, including her and Taeyeon, ever thought about how life would change, how they would change until it did. Maybe that's why she was the first one, she thinks. And then stops. 

Because this isn't why she's here.

Taeyeon drops her hand on her arm. Jessica doesn't jump, but should. She watches Taeyeon's fingers spread into the crook over her elbow, then drag down to her wrist.

"I miss you a lot," she says quietly. Taeyeon is staring at her hand. Turns her wrist over and then plays her fingers against the open skin over her watch. "It's different from everyone else. It's always been different from everyone else. I really don't know how to reconcile that, but I think you need to know... that it's true."

Jessica bites her lip. "I guess it's like a hump. A big one."

Taeyeon snorts. "Sure."

"Work with _me_ ," she snaps. It feels ironic. "Look, are we going to get past this? Or are we going to keep dancing around each other, not talking about things and call it a day?"

"Wax is going to get into the cake."

Jessica narrows her eyes. "So _blow_ it out -"

Taeyeon doesn't wait for her. Never has. Blows out the candles and sets the small kitchen into a weirdly dark room. There's light coming out from a door from behind them. The dogs bark and everything moves into an uncomfortable stillness that tightness against Jessica's back, pinching her nerves. Her heart starts to beat erratically. It feels like panic, but then it isn't. Her palms are sweaty.

Then Taeyeon is in her space.

"Maybe," she whispers. "Maybe it's time?" Her fingers touch Jessica's nose. Then the bridge between her nose and her forehead. Her heart is beating faster. "Maybe," Taeyeon murmurs. "Maybe we'll get better at this? I don't really know what to say? I wish I did. I wish it was as simple as me saying I _miss_ you and then I get to fucking kiss you to get over myself. Because that's what I would do. That's what I want to do."

Jessica tries to swallow. "That sounds really complicated."

It's hard because she can't see her face. Taeyeon's fingers drift across her mouth and her breath catches.  
"Is it?"

"Shut _up_."

Somewhere around here, her brain kind of explodes and she jerks forward to shover her mouth over Taeyeon's, who just, well, laughs. Together and alone they try and out petty each other. Seventeen or hitting their thirties, it never really matters.

What does though, what really matters, is that she's kissing Taeyeon and Taeyeon is kissing her back. And it's never as simple as her mouth dragging across her lips, or the fact that she bites and Jessica chokes on a moan, or that Taeyeon's tongue tastes a little sugary because she's a shit and probably sampled the icing when she wasn't looking. It's just that there's anonymity in the dark and there's something ultimately terrifying about that. She is not just some woman. Neither is Taeyeon.

So she kisses her, really kisses her. Grabs a fistful of her hair and arches her neck back because for Jessica, she's into control. She laps her tongue inside Taeyeon's mouth and swallows this soft, breathless laugh and moan that tastes even sweeter. 

"We're adults, you know."

Taeyeon is definitely breathless. Then again, Jessica is too. Taeyeon palms her breast through her blouse and well, Jessica's really not thinking about any of this anymore.

In the dark, she still smiles. "Yeah, I guess so."

 

 

 

(For the record:

They do sleep with each other. It's not mind-blowing sex. It's not clumsy either. It's just that Taeyeon's bed is like a rock and Jessica keeps muttering things like "how do you sleep at night?" or "next time, let's do it at my place because _ugh_!" because everyone has a habit and hers kind of roll into practice that way.

What Jessica will say is that she doesn't remember Taeyeon's mouth being that good, or the fact that between her legs, her thighs seem to burn with bruises as Taeyeon lifts her leg over her shoulder and her mouth just kind of _digs in_ like Jessica's the cake and the stupidly expensive cake is not sitting on her kitchen counter, forgotten. Because hey, isn't this what adults do?

After, still, Taeyeon presses a kiss into her throat. They're both sweaty and the blankets are all twisted.

"This isn't out of my system," Taeyeon murmurs. Probably to tease her.

Jessica wants to hit her.)


End file.
